empathy

18/08/2014

Support? Or…

Having just read this article;
I feel inclined to agree, I have witnessed friends and family members react to my partner in the exact same manner and I find it shocking. When we achieve, we feel proud and we want to share. When we fail, we desire compassion and understanding. When we learn something new, often the inner child wants to tell everybody, especially those closest to us. This had never really been an issue, until we became pregnant! 

We quickly learnt that the further we were from the process experienced by the individual, the more we were lambasted. It varied in amplitude, but stung and hurt no differently. 

We entered pregnancy thinking we would go to a midwife led unit, have drugs and use anything that sped the whole process up. However, within 1 month we realised how wrong we were and by 4 months had more or less decided that we wanted to be at home, in water and in a non pressured environment: Thus allowing everything to proceed as naturally as possible, in a time that suited both the mother and the child, no rushing, no drugs and no hospital. 

We came to these decisions slowly, individually and gradually. As we learnt and our knowledge gained; we wanted to share with family, expecting similar “WOWS” to our own! They very rarely came and we were often faced with accusing looks or verbal, aggressive defensiveness of their own decisions. We have always been fairly pragmatic in our approach to decision making and felt our decisions were sound, unbiased, informed and most importantly, perfect for us. Not them! But many conversations quickly became exactly that, all about them.

It’s not that we weren’t interested in their experiences, quite the contrary, we wanted to know everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. It was incredibly important to us, there could be similarities and learning about their experiences we could better prepare ourselves. We rarely found out very much, the slightest question or deviation from their perceived norm, descended into a defensive rant. 

We had hoped that once the birth had come and gone things would lessen and ease off. In bringing up our new bundle of joy we had hoped to gain knowledge, share new findings and receive joy and support from our friends and family. Especially as all the work and effort we put into achieving a calm birth, at home, in water, with no pain relief, paid off. Everything we shared that had been received badly was proved to not be nonsense and could work. In some instances, we got just that. In others, not at all.

Our new found thirst for knowledge transcended from pregnancy and into the land of babies! This proved to be even more fraught with potential land mines, waiting to explode at a moments notice. We have found our social and larger family dynamic change as a consequence, as we become ever closer to those willing to share and discuss without judgement, dismissiveness or defensiveness and shy away and distance ourselves from those who show just that. The sad truth is that the latter are some of the closest and dearest and cannot see that all we want to do is share our own experiences, gain knowledge from theirs and provide each other with very much needed support.

The following is from the same article that sparked this post and explains it succinctly:

“We are at a stage where people – notably women and mothers – seem unable to get beyond themselves when talking to someone else about their experience.  I honestly believe that many of us carry a lot of emotional baggage about our choices and our experiences that this pops up when we are encountering someone else’s.  For some, the guilt of a choice made makes them defensive and seeing attack around every corner.  For some, the sadness of what they missed means they read judgement into all comments.  For some, even the happiness of their own experience colours how they respond to another’s situation, particularly a sad one.  Yet it isn’t about you.  It’s about the person who’s talking and sharing and when we are so focused on ourselves, we are failing miserably at the one thing that we give a lot of lip service to these days: Support.”

-J

11/08/2014

Home Birth – You’re Brave!

Deciding to birth our baby at home was absolutely the right decision for us, it was disappointing that other people did not see it that way.

At our 16 week midwife appointment we had a lengthy chat about our birthing method and our choices on where to birth. Up to this point birthing at home seemed like a wonderful idea but a scary prospect. After a frank discussion our apprehensions were all but gone; the only thing holding us back now was the worry of what other people will think! What if other people don’t approve? Or if they find the prospect scary and inappropriately start to talk to me about what would be their fears?! We made the decision there and then that we both wanted a home birth, but it was something I was not ready to reveal to others just yet.

So we continued with our birth course and researched the facts about birthing, we researched the research to make sure it was balanced and left no stone unturned. If we were going to do this we needed to ‘know our stuff’; ‘winging it’ wasn’t going to be good enough and quite honestly I feel would’ve been irresponsible.

When the time came to ‘go public’ we were over 32 weeks pregnant. I still wasn’t confident that people would be accepting of our choices, but I was confident we had made the right choice and was ready for any eventuality. As suspected, we were met with questions of ‘Do they let you do that with your first baby?’ and statements like ‘You’re brave!’ People were also shocked that you can ‘Only have gas and air!’ at a home birth.

What’s more, they were quite happy to share their awful birthing experiences with us, I can imagine the only reason for this being that it was supposed to ‘prepare’ us for what they thought we might experience.

So sick of the naysayers I started to retaliate. When men would say ‘You wait till you start to shout at your husband, poor bloke won’t know what’s hit him!’, I would reply ‘If I’m shouting then something has gone astray, there is no benefit to shouting while giving birth’. When women would say ‘Only gas and air or a paracetamol – do they think you’re having a baby or a headache?!’ I would state ‘Considering my body will provide a natural painkiller 200 times more powerful than morphine; I’m hopeful I won’t need anything else’. I was aware that this could be coming across as confrontational at times, but I was tired of women who had babies saying ‘You wait until it happens, and you’ll do anything and everything to get that baby out!’

I learnt a lot about people’s outlook on birth over those few weeks. It would seem that people view birth in a way that is generally portrayed in films and on so-called ‘reality’ TV. Unfortunately these things are edited for entertainment, therefore are not a true and balanced reflection of reality.

Eventually I learnt to ignore the raised eyebrows and the rolled eyes, especially the looks of disbelief when I confidently told people that I was not worried about the birth or apprehensive about the pending arrival, but was excited to meet my bundle of joy and sad my pregnancy was coming to an end.

It’s upsetting that my initial suspicions about people’s reactions were right. I found this disappointing, but the more people we spoke to, the more confident I became in my and our baby’s ability to do this! Birth, I felt, did not have to be screaming and sweating and swearing and crying and begging for it to be over. Instead I pictured it as an uncomfortable task that would be overshadowed by joy and excitement and happiness and wonder and love; lots and lots of love.

– B

04/08/2014

Your Baby Can Talk!

Okay, not talk, communicate, just not in the conventional sense. The early noises that generally pre-curse a cry can be differentiated and do mean different things. Then there’s the body language, some obvious and some individual to the child.

Let’s start with the cries:

Priscilla Dunstan teaches that babies make sound reflexes. Much like sneezing and hiccuping that have recognisable patterns (when sound is added to the reflex), so too do babies cries.  She outlines 5 of these sounds in ‘Dunstan’s Baby Language‘. We found this to be extremely helpful, but not fool-proof, as all babies vary in their annunciating. The five sounds she outlines are: 

NEH – Hungry
EH – Upper Wind
HEH – Discomfort
OWH – Tired
EAIRH – Lower Wind

Not all babies will use all these sounds, according to Priscilla, some you may hear a lot, others occasionally and some never. We have heard all 5, lucky us, but some have been very rarely used or heard.

The sound for hungry is NEH, the neh coming from the suckling reflex. We did not hear this properly until our little one had his tongue tie snipped at 4 weeks, until then it was more an EH (which DBL teaches is upper wind). Once the tongue had been freed we heard it multiple times a day and used it to our full advantage. 

We have had some difficulty differentiating between our little ones EH and EAIRH sounds, most likely our bad ears (We certainly don’t have Priscilla’s photographic memory for sound). We would try to help ease lower wind pain and promptly get a large release of upper gas! We have heard these fairly regularly and only time will tell if our ears become trained to know the difference between these two. 

The discomfort sound HEH didn’t really appear to us until around 4 or 5 weeks. Maybe we missed it, maybe we kept him so comfy he had no use of it (I doubt it, but enjoy a bit of wishful thinking). We found if we weren’t paying attention it could be missed entirely or mistaken for playful sounds. They were not loud or abrupt, but more akin to rapid or heavy breathing. This developed into the typical sounding HEH as he grew and became more aware. We would hear this sound several times a week.

The tired sound of OWH (yawning reflex) first appeared at approximately 6-7 weeks. By approximately 9 weeks old we had heard this no more than a couple of times. It was very distinct and we understood it immediately and heard it more as his night-time sleeping increased and his daytime sleeping reduced.

 

Body language:

Body Language can be ambiguous and not always as straight forward as DBL’s pre-cries. Some are common and easily understood whilst others completely individual to your child. Here is a list of some examples we have found or had mentioned to us. Your baby may do some if these or none of these. Even if they do, it does not necessarily mean the same thing.

Ear Pulling or Hiccupping; May mean your baby is getting tired.

Gaze aversion; May mean your baby is tired or over-stimulated.

Pulling up legs; Can simply be a reflex action to indicate upset, not always an indication of abdominal pain.

Going red; Can mean the little one has been crying for too long or is overheated, not necessarily in pain or constipated.

Blue outline to lips; Could mean your baby has trapped wind.

Sticking tongue out, putting fist in mouth or fidgeting; Could mean your baby is hungry.

Rooting (A head-turning and sucking reflex towards a stimulus, apparent in young babies); Generally indicates hunger.

Clenched fists tightly; Can indicate hunger. Their fists become loose when sated (it’s more noticeable once grasp reflex gone somewhere around 2-6 months).

Head butting, head shaking (like saying no) and drooling; Can indicate hunger.

Wiggling down when on shoulder or throwing in direction of breast; Can also indicate hunger.

I hope these make communication with your little one easier and less frustrating.  Bare in mind your little one is as individual as you are, as are their queues and body language.

 

Good Luck!

-J

28/07/2014

Bonding With Your Bump – 5 Things That Helped Me Make the Most Of My Pregnancy

Finding out I was pregnant was a bag of mixed emotions for me. I was delighted, relieved, joyful, scared, nervous, but most of all thankful. Not all women get to experience the wonder of pregnancy and I was going to grab the opportunity with both hands and embrace this journey which in the grand scheme of it, would be a blip in my lifetime.

Finding out the good news so early on (2 weeks) we had a hard time keeping a lid on it! We told our mums and dads, brothers and sisters and very few close friends. The weeks leading up to our 12 week scan dragged on and it felt like we had kept this secret for a lot longer. So used to the idea of protecting this little life from exposure, I found it hard to let go of the secrecy. In a few months I had gone from wanting to shout from the roof tops to not being able to find the words to tell people we were going to have a baby. It was as if the more people we told the more like a dream it felt, a very very happy dream, but a dream no less.

I’m pleased to say that I made the very most of my pregnancy and just 3 days before the birth a stranger asked if I was tired of being pregnant? I could honestly answer that I was not tired at all, in fact quite the opposite, I loved being pregnant and the impending due date gave me a feeling that I could only describe as bitter-sweet!

I learnt a lot during those weeks and months and was able to reap the rewards of this knowledge ten fold. Below are a few realisations I had and things I learnt that helped me make the most of my pregnancy.

 

 

MAKE MEMORIES FROM DAY 1

Almost from the word go I started tracking every minuscule moment. With the help of a pregnancy journal nothing was to be missed out! Every twinge, every feeling, week by week I tracked every appointment, our ideas, dreams, hopes for a healthy pregnancy and birth.

Once the baby is born you will, over time, forget most of the little details, especially all the wonder and discovery moments.

Quite often Mothers can only recall negative events from their pregnancy, I feel this is a tragedy. I did not want to forget this wondrous journey. To see the big picture you must include the small details.

 

HAPPY AND HEALTHY GO HAND IN HAND

Determined to start as I meant to go on I looked up details on healthy eating, exercise classes and the dos and don’ts of pregnancy. Although overweight I was the fittest I had ever been, running 3 times a week and ate a relatively balanced diet. Having always heard phrases like ‘eating for two’ and advice given to pregnant women about ‘resting up’, I was curious to know how helpful this advice was, as it turned out it was quite the opposite.

I was shocked to find that in the first two trimesters of pregnancy you don’t really need any extra calories! Yes you might be tired and therefore use food as fuel to get through the day until you can return home from work and fall asleep on the sofa before dinner, I know there were days I did; but it’s not a necessity to the development of the baby. Only in the third trimester do you really have a need for them, and then it’s only another few hundred calories or so, this equates to two slices of bread and butter!

As for exercise, because I had already established a fitness regime it was absolutely fine to continue as normal. As long as I wasn’t doing any abdominal workouts or pushing my usual boundaries (ie distance or quantity of runs) I and my baby were safe and I was encouraged to continue as normal.

I ran until I experienced pelvic discomfort at 20 weeks, caused by a Calcium deficiency. At this time I had already started pregnancy yoga classes which I attended weekly from week 16, right up to the night before the birth.

Doing this kept my serotonin levels up and I was getting as much goodness as possible by enjoying a normal balanced diet with just maybe an extra treat or two. It was a great decision and I believe made all the difference.

I feel I had a much happier and healthy pregnancy then I would have had if I was ‘eating for two’ or ‘resting up’.

 

ACCEPT ALL THE CHANGES AND BE PREPARED TO ADAPT ACCORDINGLY

It’s important to understand and accept that your body will change, in ways that are pleasing and ways that are not.

Morning sickness kicked in quite early on for me and was at its worst in the evenings. Discussing what to have for dinner was almost impossible, the idea of eating was nauseating. So I changed my habits to suit, I would eat a large breakfast, eat lunch early and then mid afternoon when the sickness started I had already pretty much eaten my calorific intake for the day so if I had to skip dinner it was no big deal. Listening to my body and responding in kind was the only way to cope.

During my pregnancy a lady commented to me that she thought I was having a girl because I had put on weight ‘all over’. I found this comment insensitive, however I was not ignorant enough to be believe my weight and shape wouldn’t change. In the beginning I was desperate to have my bump, as the weeks went on and the bigger my tummy grew the greater I felt about my body. After all, the more my tummy grew the more room my baby had to grow, I felt this was something to be thankful for, not to be resented. Yes I have stretch marks, but who doesn’t? Yes I have been using an ointment to reduce their redness, but I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of them, they are a reminder of a wonderful unique journey, never to be replicated.

 

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Almost from day 1 I had cravings for orange juice and ice. Other cravings came and went but these things we’re the only that stayed with me throughout pregnancy. At my early blood tests I was found to have low iron so put onto supplements, it’s not a coincidence that craving orange and ice is linked to low iron. I listened to my body and gave it what it needed. That said, not all cravings are linked to deficiencies, otherwise I would’ve eaten a LOT more sweets; but by listening to my body I was helping it get all the nutrients it needed.

As most mums will know it is recommended you don’t sleep on your back or left hand side after so many weeks into the pregnancy. That said, I was very uncomfortable on my right side and so would turn over in my sleep or wake at night to find I was sleeping on my back. Talking to other mums-to-be at my yoga class it was reassuring to find I wasn’t alone. One lady who was quite a few weeks ahead of me said you will know when it’s no longer good for you and will automatically adjust. She was right, the night I woke up and was stuck like a tortoise on its shell I knew it was time to stop sleeping on my back! The only damage done was that of my pride when I had to wake my other half and ask him to roll me over so I could get out of bed to use the toilet!

 

TALK TO YOUR BABY AND ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PRESENCE POSITIVELY

With the help of a few ‘apps’ I could look up the progress of my pregnancy day by day, week by week and I revelled upon reading about every little detail my baby and body were going through. This was exciting and made my pregnancy feel ‘real’ but the best thing I did to bond was talk to my baby. I strongly believed that by talking to my baby and touching my belly he would understand my love for him and the happiness I felt for his presence.

When he moved I acknowledged him and when he moved in a way that made me feel uncomfortable I would gently move him and explain that it was causing me discomfort.

I would share with him many happy journeys to work singing in the car and the excitement on the way home when I would tell him we were going home to see daddy, who loves us very much.

Already having conversations with him was wonderful and it really helped me feel he was a part of me, sharing my being, not ‘invading my body’, which is unfortunately how I hear so many women describe it.

I feel so privileged to have taken that journey into motherhood. I thank my baby every day for letting me carry him in my tummy and for all the precious moments we shared.  Each private communication, when he would move and I would respond in talking to him acknowledging his presence, or when I would rub his back and pat his bottom when he had hiccups and seemed to be annoyed by them somehow. Even now he will get upset if hiccups won’t go away but is soothed by my picking him up and rubbing his back or patting his bottom, it’s a beautiful gentle reminder of the special bond we shared for so many months before he was born.

 

-B

 

 

21/07/2014

Empathy Is Key

Our approach to bringing up our child is driven by empathy and trying to understand the world from their perspective. We all too often encounter parents and parenting styles who base their decisions upon what’s best for the parents and not what’s best for the child. We feel that the child should always be at the centre of all decisions effecting them.

Sadly, in the self obsessed, insecure society we live in, this doesn’t seem to be the case. Parents clothe their children in items with slogans aimed at the parents, for the parents. We see slogans such as “I love my mummy and daddy” and can’t help but wonder if it’s the parents own insecurities being soothed or their thoughts and hopes being portrayed through their child. It’s clothing not designed for the child, but for the parents own sanctimony and often passed off or justified as being cutesy! Some practice controlled crying or ‘cry it out’, a technique that merely teaches your child to give up, give up crying, give up expending precious energy trying to get the parents attention. It merely stifles the childs external pleas for attention and exacerbates the stress it already feels. Dream feeds are used to keep the baby asleep and “sleep through”, again for the parents benefit. Much to the detriment of the child as dream feeds (including other regimented feeding schedules) merely teach the baby to eat when they’re not hungry and these patterns can be carried into later life.

Whilst we appreciate these strategies can help make things more bearable for parents of babies who are ever demanding, they come with their own set of compromises, often negative for the child. Most parents, knowing that their decisions could impart some negative outcomes upon their child, would refrain from doing so. This is the crux of the issue, many parents are unaware of the potential negative effects. We need to banish the false teachings of “Baby Whisperers” such as Gina Ford and embrace our children’s needs and respond to them with empathy, understanding their needs and acknowledging in kind.

What we’re really trying to illustrate is how much modern parenting styles are parent focused. When they should be, for the most part, child focused. We need to focus on the larger picture and the long term effects of our decisions. Putting the child at the very core and doing what’s in his or her best interests, both short and long term, should be sacrosanct.

To help us muddle our way through decisions, we very often ask ourselves “Is this decision based on our own wants and needs or our child’s?”. Sometimes we catch ourselves erring the wrong way, but the ability to be mindful, objective and open to our own selfishness helps us keep decisions focused on what’s important, the child.

– J

14/07/2014

Hypnobirthing; “Not Hippy Bulls**t”

This is how we were first introduced to Hypnobirthing and it was the perfect thing to say to me! Completely disabling my knee jerk response to something that, to my ears and ignorant mind, sounded very hippy and new age, not at all for us.

Whilst this isn’t the typical introduction most give Hypnobirthing, it was the best and in my opinion the only way to introduce it. The name truly does no justice to the help, information and guidance that Hypnobirthing provides. To the uninitiated, the hippy and new age feel is exactly how it appears upon first look. It certainly was in my case and most people we mentioned it to in the following months. Our tactic, after a few failed attempts, was to explain the process and end with the term “Hypnobirthing”, upon which, many commented, that had we not explained it, they would have thought it just a load of “Hippy Bulls**t” or similar. We almost relished explaining the process to people, just to drop the “H Bomb” at the end and see their reaction.

We went to a baby and toddler show to find out about anything and everything, we were 3 months pregnant and oblivious, we had intended to look around and see the wares that were available and figure out what we needed, wanted and to differentiate between the two. There were lectures, as is often the case, and we sat in on all that took our fancy. The lecture that started this whole process was on BabyCalm, I had had a link to the website open on my desktop awaiting perusal and evaluation for a week or so and it had yet to be even looked at. Now someone was going to save me the time and effort and tell me all about it, brilliant!

We sat, listened and as the half hour or so passed we learnt the basic premise was that every baby was individual and BabyCalm aimed in trying to help you understand the world from their perspective. It also provided a lot of unbiased, factual information and guidance. This suited our intended outlook and we became convinced the accompanying book that was available, would be a very useful tool to have in our arsenal. We then were told there were only a few books left and they were becoming scarce elsewhere, so we quickly marched over to the stall to buy one.

How happy we were, in the months that followed, that we bought it. It gave us great peace of mind and enabled us to understand our little one and empathise far better than we thought possible. It is a book that we shall give, instead of the usual baby gifts, to all of our friends and family in the lead up to their momentous day.

At that stall is where we first heard the term Hypnobirthing and being inquisitive had to ask what it was about; expecting a fluffy, hippy and new age explanation. Our predetermined thoughts must have been radiating from our pores, as we were simply told “It’s Not Hippy Bulls**t”, which completely disabled our opinionated manner and really intrigued me! We were then told ” If you can bear with me whilst I prepare your book and receipt, take a look at this video and I’ll answer any questions after”. It was a video excerpt of a Hypnobirth from a documentary filmed for BBC Three (“Cherry has a baby” with Cherry Healy). This video showed a hypnobirth where the baby was born in an extremely relaxed manner and was so calm the baby appeared to be asleep. Until that moment we had no idea that was even possible and had assumed that birth was a somewhat loud and obnoxious process. Did we have questions after watching this? Hell yeah! How? Can we achieve something like this? Why isn’t everyone doing this? etc.

We decided at that moment, if we could achieve something even remotely resembling that birth, that it would be an amazing feat and we would do our utmost to make it possible. We decided to do a taster workshop on Hypnobirthing as it was the smallest financial commitment we could make and still experience what was to offer, as we were still uncertain about its suitability for us. Still thinking it maybe a little too “hippy” for us. Two weeks later we tootled off to the workshop.

There we learnt, in a nutshell; Hypnobirthing involves teaching the mother to relax, breath and meditate down into a type of self-hypnosis; her only job during labour, is labour. Timing surges (Hypnobirthing name for contractions, we used both), communicating with midwives and any other things that would normally divert the attention of the mother, become the responsibility of the partner. The partner becomes the intermediary and the advocate for the mother, protecting her space and providing a continuity of care that can often be lost in a modern hospital setting. We were taught the bio-mechanics of labour and the processes used in hospitals, where they can contradict each other and how we could work to sustain a calm consistent environment for the mother regardless of the setting. The more we learnt, the more we wanted to learn and the more passionate it made us.

We loved every minute and having been at there for little over 20 minutes we decided that this would be the antenatal class and birthing technique that “fitted”. It fitted with our expectations, our hopes and dreams for a calm birth and our babies introduction into this world.

From that point on we were going to be “Hypnobirthers”! How hippy and new age!

-J